Category Archives: Love

Dear Future Husband: That I Haven't Met Yet.

Dear Future Husband

It seems to be all the rage right now for single Christian women to blog an open letter to their future husband about why they choose to wait for them ( and by wait, Yep, I mean SEX – you thought I wouldn’t say it didn’t you?) . So in honor of the end of wedding season (Say Yes To The Dress marathons are in my future), and seeing as I am a 28 ( going on 102) year old who is….. yep, you guessed it – not married. I thought I would take a crack at it. I recently read an article from The Common Queen titled “I’m losing my patience while waiting for you“. It was a good article, and I get where she is coming from. The waiting game is not easy, but all signs point to incredibly worth it. So without further ado…

 
Dear Future Husband,
I am not the worlds standard of beauty, and at this point in my life I’m ok with that. I will never be perfect, blemish free, or a model. I run into doors, break my toes, scratch, cut, burn, and bruise myself – and that’s just from making dinner tonight. Sounds like a winner right!? I’m not perfect, and if I guess correctly you won’t be either ( and if you are perfect, I will make you prove you are not an alien by showing your belly button – you have been warned. But back to the letter). We will be two imperfect people who are better together than apart. God has been gracious and has shielded my heart from much of the ( self inflicted/other ) heartbreak that my friends encountered through years of dating. I am not the kind of girl who forms deep attachments quickly ( unless it’s a dog, then I love them immediately and without reservation).

 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cold. I’m friendly, outgoing, and a massive foodie. My family ( and backup army) means the world to me, and are second only to my relationship with Christ. I feel incredibly blessed to be an American, and in case you didn’t notice, I kind of like everything Disney.

 
At various moments in my life ( starting at about 20), God has stopped me in my tracks and called me to pray for you. At first it seemed strange, but life grew stranger. Eventually it was the norm, and a little comforting because I believe God would not command me to pray for a man who doesn’t exist.

 
I am not a terribly patient person. I have been known to skip to the end of books just to make sure it has a happy ending. But for you I wait. We will inevitably bump heads on many things in our married life. I don’t want a stumbling block to be my past relationships. This future union is far too important to me to ever risk it over impatience. I want to be your helpmate, love, and protect you, and in protecting my body and soul I not only protect myself, I’m protecting you.

 
I was raised in a legacy of love. My grandparents were married over 60 years, and my parents have been married well over 30 years. I would never risk the chance at 60 years for a moment of supposed pleasure, out of boredom, pressure, or fear of being alone. However, most importantly I wait because a long time ago I made a covenant with God to do so, and being obedient to Him is how I strive to live my life.

 
This will not be a foreign concept to you if you are seeking after Christ, and frankly that is the only kind of man who has a chance with me.

 
So I wait, out of obedience, faith, and love.

 
Everyone at some point is asked to sacrifice or do something hard. To me being a virgin is not hard ( ya, I don’t struggle with saying NO), and frankly I don’t understand Christians who justify sex outside of marriage. There are so many hard things in life. if you deem abstinence hard, wait till someone you love has cancer or you lose your job. Real love IS hard.

 

 

I do, however, struggle with my impatience to meet you, but I keep busy by growing and maturing as an adult. I practice my willingness to serve others, and self sacrificing ( which is not easy), so when I do meet you and we become one, this action of being a help mate is not a strange concept to me.

 
I am not saying I’m a perfect person – far far far from it ( you’ll find out someday).
I believe there is worth and reword in obeying God, but it is more than that, I abstain out of love for my savior.

 
So, in obedience to my God I wait for you.

 
The waiting game is not easy, and it is certainly strange to feel like you were meant for somebody you don’t even know. But the mysteries of this world are far beyond my understanding, and I have far too much to do to sit and ponder it for long. Here’s to our someday, I hope to meet you soon.

 
Sincerely,
Your Future Wife

 
Well, that’s my letter. I know my someday is out there, and for most of you reading this yours is to. To all you ladies ( and gentlemen) in waiting, hang in there, you are not alone. Don’t rush it or try to push someone into a mold they do not fit in just so you can find “the one” faster. That never works out well.

 
PS. If I happened to date some of you men after this article, I am not the kind of girl who starts planning the monogrammed towels and wedding details after the first date. So, don’t freak out.

 
PPS. If you are the kind of man who starts planning the wedding after the first date – keep it to yourself. At least for the first six months, you’ve herd of those studies right? The ones that say the ” puppy love” stage ( or what I like to call the Double Dumb-Ass stage) lasts for at least six months then the real you shines through ( for better or worse). I am not saying don’t let your freak flag fly, I’m just saying don’t skip the getting-to-know-you part of dating.

 
Let me ask you ( not so) gentle readers, why did or didn’t you wait for your someday? If you didn’t wait, I have always wanted to ask if the thought of an STD ever freaked you out ( because it frankly grosses me out)? And if you are currently waiting, what makes you go against the sad cultural norm?

The One: Fact, Fiction, or Faith

Since it’s wedding season, I thought I would weigh in on a very controversial topic within the Christian community ( ok, I’m kidding- but only a little).

 
I believe in “the one”. Go ahead call me crazy, say there is no such thing as “the one”. It’s not a mature concept. Who the heck raised you? Don’t you know believing this is detrimental to your future… Yada yada yada. Heck, I was raised in a church that believed it was a myth, and yet I believe that God creates people who complement us. If we are all unique, and He knows our names before we are even growing in the womb ( Jeremiah 1:5) then could He not create someone who is meant to be our partner in this world?

 
” For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” ( Jeremiah 29:11 ESV).

 
The arguments AGAINST “the one” are as followed:

 
– He only becomes “the one” when you marry him.
– The myth leads to unrealistically high expectations, and we overlook the great guys who are standing right in front of us ( side note: Here is a great article about ideals and expectations. Surprisingly enough, the only physical attribute that was ever on my list was I wanted a guy that was taller than me – still do in fact ).
– It allows us to assume we have no responsibility in finding and choosing our future spouse which enables us to be an inactive participant in this journey.
– The real search is not romantic enough for our Disney loving hearts, so we latched on to the fantasy because it feeds our little girl ideal of Prince Charming ( but I wrote about my opinion on that Here ).
– And lastly, by assuming there is “the one” (which is not a biblical concept BTW), we will be disappointed when we think we find them and he or she is not perfect. Allowing us to feel ok about the fact our marriage fell apart because OBVIOUSLY that was not “the one” ( sarcasm intended).

 
( For an article about why I’m crazy, check out Boundless.com. Hay, I’m all about freedom of speech, so I have to present the other side right?).

 
Did I cover all the reasons people will call me crazy? Probably not, but I got most of them – I think.

 
Here’s what I believe:

 
We limit God’s greatness by denying His sovereignty over our love life. I don’t believe in “the one” per say, I believe in ” the right one”. If God has a plan for my life, then It seems likely He has ideal match in mind for my future spouse. If this is the case, is that not the proverbial “one”?

 
I believe this anti soul mate mentality has sprung from fear. We are all free to choose, and considering the shacking up and divorce rates among Christians, we have chosen badly. Because of this fear, they say there is no such thing as “the one”. This opinion gives the green light to settle instead of waiting on God’s timing, and diminishes Gods guidance in our decisions. I do not mean you should be an inactive participant in the search. Just not desperate. Desperation leads to all sorts of trouble.

 
We all make choices, and sometimes choose poorly, but don’t blame God for that. He can bring beauty from the ashes. Just don’t limit Gods power and grace simply because you’re afraid that you made ( or will make ) a bad choice. In church we ask teenagers to pray for their future spouse, yet then we tell them there is no one person “meant” for them. I was told there could be tons of men that would work for me (Waite, you mean I’m praying for like ten thousand dudes? That just seems strange to me).

 
I will never convince the theologians, Focus on the Family, or Boundless to believe in “the one”, but let me ask them this; why is it so detrimental to my life to believe that God controls my path and will guide me to the man he wants me to marry? They preach this about every other aspect of my life, so why exclude my future spouse in God’s plan and timing?

 
“If you believe in a God who controls the big things, you have to believe in a God who controls the little things” – Elisabeth Elliot, Missionary Pioneer. I don’t think entering into marriage is a little thing, so I trust God in all things – even my desire for marriage.

 
“It is not every man’s fate to marry the woman who loves him best” Jane Austen’s Emma. However, should that not be our desire? To marry those who would love us best, and who we would love best in return?

 
Maybe I am in the minority of those who believe in “the one”, but I don’t expect the man I am meant to be with to be perfect. It seems to me I have yet to meet a perfect person on this planet, so why would I be waiting for this perfect specimen of male godliness. Also, I don’t expect him to magically appear, or worship the very ground I walk on ( that would be creepy).
Basically my ideal guy is a not-so-perfect Christian guy walking in faith, who at the very least tolerates my love of Disneyland, is ok with my artsy tendencies ( poor man that is a lot to put up with), wants a family (and all the messy craziness that comes with it), is loyal, respectful, honest, taller than me, good hygiene, expert spider killer ( somewhat negotiable), and likes dogs (non negotiable).

 
I don’t believe I have unrealistic expectations, or a Disney princess view on love ( though I do love me some Disney movies as you can see). I believe I was meant for someone. You could call him the one, my soul mate, the right one, or whatever you want. I have the freedom to choose him when he crosses my path, and I have the freedom to walk away ( which is a little scary). The point is, God will present the best option to me. I just have to choose it. “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps” Proverbs 16:9 ESV.
If nothing else my Dad said Billy Graham believes in “The One”. So, there you go – Billy Graham said so ( Side Note: This is not a researched fact, but my Dad’s never wrong, sooo… no reason to question – right? )

 
What do you believe? Am I completely crazy, or is everyone else?

 

Personally, the second option is my favorite.

A Knight in Tattered Armor

Ok, I know this is a long post, but it has been on my heart to write about this topic for a while. Bare with me.

 
Many Christian women blog about picking the servant not the prince, and in essence I agree, but I believe that’s one dimensional thinking. Being a servant is only a part of what God calls us to be. The servant imagery is too simplistic an example of real godly manhood (or womanhood for that matter). I propose a new category. Instead of the prince, the servant, or even a knight in shining armor, how about the knight in tattered armor?

 
Maybe it’s because I ‘m older and have a better understanding of what it takes to live in this world – but I don’t want prince charming or merely the servant. I seek the battle worn knight. His mettle has been tested, and he may or may not be the victor, but he is still standing ready to fight again if he must. I am not talking about the biggest, brawniest, bravest man in the kingdom ( or city ). I am talking about the man who acts in spite of his fear, stands up for what he believes in, and is obedient to his God. This man comes in many shapes and forms. It’s the quite confidence of a geek, assertion of a jock, strength of a soldier, wisdom of a doctor, the knowledge of a mechanic, or imagination of an artist. The list goes on and on.

 
None of these men are the same, yet they all hold similar qualities. He honors his family and his God in how he lives his life. Standing in truth, unafraid of commitment, seeks justice, loves mercy, has a servants heart, a warrior spirit, can admit when he is wrong, and walks only with his God . This Man knows it says more in how he fails than how he succeeds. I once heard a saying ( I have no idea where it came from), Meekness is not weakness it is simply strength restrained. So for the quite men out there, I mean you too. Not every knight is outspoken, or the man you notice first.

 
Knights in shining armor and princes are simply boys, and a servant ( at least in my mind) has a suggestion of forced servitude. That’s why I like the analogy of the knight in tattered armor; Especially, when it comes to looking for an ideal mate. I am not looking for my other half, I am looking for my compliment. We are better together than apart. We are a unified front. This is the man I want by my side in the world. It is inevitable we will encounter strife and hardship, and a man who has been tested and come through the wilderness sane, is the man I want by my side.

 
In truth both man and woman are sinners, so I think it is accurate to seek someone a little tattered. Frankly if you are “perfect” I’m going to think you are hiding something. Perfection is overrated and fades. And guys, Lord help you if you do not keep a weathered eye out for the women who is seeking this man, for she will be your helpmate and bless your life.

 
At this point I must put a warning label around the title Knight in Tattered Armor. There is a difference between the battle worn analogy and someone who is truly wounded or cruel. So, this is who I am NOT talking about; I am not talking about the guy who verbally ( or physically) wounds you, the guy who ignores you to play video games, the guy who insists upon his own comfort over everyone else, who can only have fun if he drinks, who can talk the talk, but not walk the walk ( I’m talking about his faith here), or a guy who claims to be smarter than you and everyone around him ( unfortunately, this list could go on and on too). A man who is not seeking the fruit of the Spirit ( which is found Galatians 5:22-23 ” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” ) is not a knight in tattered armor. He is playing dress-up with tin foil. Look for real metal ( and mettle) underneath, and avoid the posers and users who use their hard times as reasons to be jerks. Especially, if they start blaming everyone else for their current woes. For example, if a man ( or women) starts a sentence/ apology ( if you can call it that) with “I wasn’t like this before ( insert blamed person’s name/ terrible thing that happened to them here)”, run – run for your life.

 
So, what do you think? Are you still looking for prince charming, the knight in shining armor, or the servant? Or do you seek the embodiment of a warrior servant, the knight in tattered armor? Let me know in the comments section below.

 
Ps. As I was writing this I somehow turned into a poet and I didn’t know it!

 
The right guy comes in many shapes and forms
He may be a bit tattered and worn
Even under the roughness you can see
A man of worth stands in front of thee
What more can a woman of God desire
Than a man seeking Gods own heart
By her side, willing to face the fire.

Love Is a Choice

There was a picture from someone’s mom circulating around the internet a little while back. It said:

“You’re going to fall in love so many times before you find the one you’ll be with forever. So think of it this way; you’re one heartbreak closer to happy ever after”.

What a bunch of crap – right! So, being the shrinking violet that I am – I left a comment.

” Or perhaps you should not give your heart so easily, and then you will have less heartache and scars effecting the relationship with the one you are meant to be with”.

Well that got a reaction. The women who responded to my comment was not pleased with my perspective – hence sarcasm ensued ( which I have to admit I loved. It totally cracked me up) she said:

“Why didn’t I think of this” before ” Of COURSE I should know better than to fall in love. because giving your heart to someone is always an intentional, willful choice!”

I think she missed the point of what I said ( or maybe she didn’t, and chose to respond like that – whatever floats your boat). That is why I am choosing to clarify here.

I am explicitly saying LOVE IS A CHOICE.Da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ( nod to The Croods). The truth is we choose to love people who complement us, or people who add drama to our lives. We have free will, and if you believe we don’t choose to love people then you are in essence saying we have no free will ( and wouldn’t that just suck). I mean come on, you choose to love that annoying friend that can’t be trusted, and the ass who keeps breaking your heart. We allow people to come into our lives who we know are not good for us ( not just in dating relationships ), and for whatever reason ( I can fix then, their not that bad, I see the good in them deep deep deep down, they just need someone to love them… ect. ect.ect.) we allow them to stay in our sphere.By saying that you have no choice in falling in love, you are saying I have no choice in who I allow to influence my life. That is the idea of a child not an adult.
I like the verse Proverbs 4:23 especially the New Living Translation
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” there is only one man who was every worthy of determining the course of my life, and he died on a cross for me ( and you) a while back and arose again after three day ( He’s alive, He’s alive, thank God he’s alive). There is always a choice. Don’t give up your God given freedom because you simply don’t want to make a choice, and please for your sake ( and your poor bedraggled best friends out there) choose wisely. Don’t fall for the I’ll be better shtick. If ( and that’s a big if) he (or she, this applies to you too guys) can get better with you then he can get better without you, and if he can’t get better without you then he is not a whole person and has some soul searching and growing up to do.

Do you believe there is no choice in love? Or do you believe as I do, that love is a choice we make? Sometimes we choose well, and other times – not so much.